Part of the joy of being a pastor is walking alongside of couples as they step into marriage. Few experiences touch the soul more than the wonder and joy (and fear) of embracing life with another person.
At the center of the wedding ceremony is the moment when each person turns to the other and states a vow— a promise of devotion and faithfulness. Some couples write original vows and some recite a traditional version, but each contains a promise. And the intent is that this promise will last, as the old phrase says, “Till death do us part.”
There’s an irony in these words. When Miska and I echoed this line in our wedding, we vowed fidelity to each other as long as we lived. The apostle Paul suggests, however, that staying faithful to our marriage commitment actually requires a kind of death. To love well (and long), husbands and wives must “submit to one another” (Ephesians 5:21). We each have to surrender our rights and our agenda. We have to die to ourselves so that we can fully give ourselves to each other.
This is precisely what Jesus has done. Jesus is the model for true love, whether in a marriage or a friendship. And what did He do? He died. Jesus laid down His life as an act of submission to God and as an act of sacrificial love for humans. As Paul says, Jesus “gave up His life” for the church (Ephesians 5:25).
Husbands and wives face challenges in learning to surrender. We like to be in control. We work hard to protect our self-interests. Jesus invites us to take another path. He instructs us to lay down our life and our demands. He tells us that to truly love requires death.
NLT 365-day reading plan passage for today: Mark 10:1-16
More:
Turn to 1 Corinthians 13 and read the description of love. Consider all the ways this kind of love asks you to die to self-interest.
Next:
If you’re married, where do you need to die to self-interest so that you can love your spouse? If you’re not married, who do you most need to show love to—and how will you surrender your own agenda to do so?
amandacl on August 23, 2011 at 2:22 am
Recently I have been reminded more than once, how Jesus Christ is the perfect example in every aspect of our lives. It was again pointed out in this devotional: Jesus laying down his life, submitting to God the Father, an example to all husbands and wifes
shalomiom on August 23, 2011 at 3:14 am
I have visited a home where a framed sign is hang on the living room which says, “God is number one in this home”. A real good reminder for all couples especially when faced with trying times. . . .
R R Kelkar on August 23, 2011 at 4:32 am
A good post.
The “till death” part of the marriage vow of fidelity may be difficult to keep till death, but it is still more challenging “after death”! True love requires that even after one is left alone, one continues to be faithful to that love. Death does not give the heart the freedom that a legal clause seems to provide.
winn collier on August 23, 2011 at 12:38 pm
wise words. They sound like they come from a man who knows firsthand.
daisymarygoldr on August 23, 2011 at 4:19 pm
R R Kelkar, I absolutely agree with you. It is so inspiring to see the eternal love of widows and widowers who remain faithful to their spouses even beyond death. It is one life, one heart and one love. My chaste life is a treasured possession that I can only give away once to the one person God created—just for me. There is something so pure about single-mindedness in one-man-one woman relationships. Thanks for your good thoughts!
fieldlily on August 23, 2011 at 8:13 am
This part of the marriage vows is not taken very seriously these days and that is sad. You are right when you say that it requires a death, of sorts, to oneself. In order to “become one” we do need to stop thinking of ourselves as individuals and think about the “whole”. If we argue and fight, and we will, it is painful because we are fighting with ourselves.
It does require a change in our thinking process and some are not willing to change.
winn collier on August 23, 2011 at 12:44 pm
that’s an interesting turn of things, fieldlily, the notion of us fighting against ourselves. In a way, any time, we resist love, we are fighting with ourselves, aren’t we?
tim gustafson on August 23, 2011 at 8:20 am
I must respectfully dissent from RR’s assertion that death does not free us from our marriage vow. Surely my love for my wife should never relent. But Paul makes it clear that widows are free to remarry. Otherwise, what is the point of 1 Timothy 5: 14?
R R Kelkar on August 23, 2011 at 11:04 am
Legally speaking, you are correct. By the way, Paul did not give a similar advice to widowers!
My comment was in the context of true love in contrast with the social institution of marriage. You rightly say that ‘Jesus is the model for true love’ and he ‘gave up his life for the church’. But we, his followers, are not free to go after some one else, because he lives in our hearts. I think your analogy with Jesus and Paul’s practical suggestion do not quite match.
I would like to be enlightened.
winn collier on August 23, 2011 at 12:43 pm
Apparently, I misread your first response, R R. I understood you to be speaking in a language of the heart, speaking of your love for (I presume) your wife who has passed. That resonated with me.
However, if you are literally saying that any man whose wife has passed is not free to re-marry, I don’t see any Biblical justification for that stance.
daisymarygoldr on August 23, 2011 at 4:21 pm
tim gustafson, 1 Timothy 5: 14 is in the context of Paul setting up guidelines for which widows needed to be supported by the church. When younger widows receive support, they tend to become idle and busybodies and some turn aside after Satan. And so he said it is better to encourage the younger widows to remarry and take care of their household.
Having said this, it is a matter of personal choice and differs for different cultures. In individualized societies like this, people get lonely and depressed after widowhood. Also, widows with young children need husbands to protect and provide for them. Therefore, there is the need for remarriage. In other cultures, widows and widowers often devote themselves to serving God in His house, praying and fasting, showing hospitality to strangers, washing the feet of saints, and doing good works of charity.
Paul has some wise words for us. “So I say to…widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. But … It’s better to marry than to burn with lust. A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. If her husband dies, she is free to marry… But in my opinion it would be better for her to stay single, (1 Corinthians 7: 8-9; 39-40).
Thanks for bringing this up. You made a great point!
daisymarygoldr on August 23, 2011 at 4:18 pm
Great post and discussion, Winn Collier and all!
I loved the words fidelity, faithfulness and commitment that required a kind of death to self. Sacrificing self-interests is not fun. The bedroom décor is one small example. I want sheer, lace and light dreamy shades and he wants dark, bold checks.
Personally, my selfless Christ-like love was put to the test—only in marriage. To know if one is perfect, all that needs to be done is—get married. If I do not constantly crucify my selfishness and die to self, then I will never really experience the fulfillment of marital intimacy.
AManofGod on August 24, 2011 at 12:14 am
It is sad how pervasive divorce is in our society. THERE IS NOTHING MORE SELFISH A COUPLE CAN DO TO THEMSELVES, THEIR CHILDREN AND THEIR CHURCH THAN TO DIVORCE. And I say that as a recently divorced man.
When two people put their wishes and desires before God’s plan for them divorce is inevitable. I pray that people will see the harm that divorce does and hopefully the HUGE numbers of marriages ending in divorce will drop.
This I pray in Jesus’s name!
AManofGod
alsiane on September 12, 2011 at 9:33 pm
i was just reminded of Mathew 16:24-25
Being selfless…
To die with my self is the goal…
This was given to me by the LORD before the proposal of my fiance almost a month and a half ago..
now i much more understand what does this verse mean.. as i enter this commitment soon… i pray.. may this verses be a lifestyle in me in the LORD…
Thank you for the comments also…
please extend your prayers with me.. as i face this BIG Adjustment in my life..
PRAISE BE TO OUR GOD…
tim gustafson on August 23, 2011 at 10:42 am
That, I can certainly agree with! And it wouldn’t merely apply to widows. I can easily recall how, in the past, I put finding a woman ahead of pursuing God. Interestingly I did not meet my wife until I got to the point where I said, “Okay, Lord, maybe you want me to be single.”
I’m not saying that is prescriptive for everyone. It is just my personal history.