He had a warm, wide smile that belied the anger that would flare up at a moment’s notice. My friend’s dad was a complex man—a loving, thoughtful neighbor—but a perfectionistic, controlling father.
He’s gone from this life now, but his children still bear the wounds of never measuring up, never being able to do things perfectly, never being able to truly please their tightly wound dad. His house was spotless, but his ways at home were merciless. He strove for perfection, but it led to his children’s destruction.
Jesus had strong words for the Pharisees, a group of religious leaders who were good at heaping guilt on people through a perfectionistic view of following the Law. He said, “They crush people with unbearable religious demands and never lift a finger to ease the burden” (Matthew 23:4).
In other words, people who fell beneath the weight of trying to follow the Old Testament Law—as well as a slew of man-made ones—were neither helped nor supported by the Pharisees.They would “tithe even the tiniest income,” while ignoring “the more important aspects of the Law” (v.23). These included important matters like mercy.
Jesus is merciful. In contrast to the Pharisees’ ways, He will “give you rest” and stated that “the burden I give you is light” (11:28,30).
Are you, or is someone close to you, painfully perfect? Is your constant striving for perfection destroying others? If so, it’s time to remove the shackles of perfectionism and replace them with Jesus’ light, loving burden. We glorify God as we do our best for Him. But that doesn’t mean we will be perfect in all our ways.
Only Jesus was perfect (Hebrews 9:14). Our human efforts won’t get us there (Galatians 3:3). Instead, let’s reflect Jesus’ example of grace and mercy to others—especially those closest to us.
More:
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with My victorious right hand (Isaiah 41:10).
Next:
How can asking for God’s help revive a soul in despair? How does David’s example give you encouragement?
jamiesreid on May 20, 2009 at 1:04 am
Tom, thank you for this message. The timing is perfect as I sat down to the computer searching for encouragement – in a moment of personal retreat – from a perfectionist attack by someone very close to me. Even the smallest, most simple failures are used to devalue your worth and certify your worthlessness by the perfectionist. But thanks be to God for His grace and mercy because even with all of our failings big and small He Loves us!! That is amazing.
tom felten on May 20, 2009 at 7:30 am
Jamie, I’m glad the article provided a lift. One thing I’ve noticed about perfectionism is that it is often motivated by fear—fear of failure, fear of not measuring up, fear of not attaining some standard that we create. I’m so grateful for a loving God whose “mercies begin afresh each morning” (Lamentations 3:23). He says to those of us with perfectionistic tendencies, “[My] love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear” (1 John 4:18). I pray that the person in your life, who is dealing with perfectionism, will embrace God’s grace and mercy today. I also pray that you will be able to see this person (and their weakness) through the eyes of God. You’re right, God’s love is amazing!
jamiesreid on May 20, 2009 at 10:05 am
Thank you for these deeper insights. They are truly helpful. May God continue to richly bless you with all His goodness and enable you to continue to do the good work that you do.
RosellaShishido on May 21, 2009 at 7:04 pm
The title is brilliant. Happy thots come to mind when I hear/read the word “perfect.” And yet, perfectionism can bring the opposite of those feelings.
susanhutchinson on May 30, 2009 at 4:22 am
This father sounds just like my mother. And yes, like the children in the article, I am carrying the wounds in my heart of all her perfectionism and controlling ways. I was blamed for everything under the sun. She still tries to control me and actually still does control my sister whose personality is not as strong as my own. I have three daughters now and am doing my absolute best not to be the same. I’ve asked my husband to tell me when I sound like my mother so I’ll know if its happening. Thank you for the words of encouragement.
Tiffany on September 26, 2009 at 7:31 am
Susan, I can relate to your situation growing up in a home with a very controlling mother. My father preferred to avoid confrontation. I can recall my mother laying out the outfits my sisters and me would wear each morning and requiring us to return home immediately after school. I posted an item earlier this morning regarding tight-fitting jeans and my life-long attraction to wearing them. In some ways it is as though I wear those jeans to perpetuate her control over me.