What helpful things were said to you or done for you during a time you were experiencing grief? What were some unhelpful things?
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mizroby on April 30, 2012 at 3:15 pm
People looked at me differently while I was grieving. They didn’t know what to say other than I am so sorry. I would tell them that it was alright if they didn’t know what to say and I would tell them all they had to do is be there for me. I tend to grieve more when I am alone then when there are others around. I don’t cry and probably don’t seem upset enough to those looking at me. What didn’t help was when someone would try to cheer me up. I needed to grieve the way I grieve and not be cheered up. It didn’t help to just be stared at from a distance. A simple hug or a pat on the back, something to just show they care about what I am going through is all that is needed.
tom felten on May 2, 2012 at 8:57 am
mizroby, thanks so much for sharing. The idea of not trying cheer people up all the time is a great insight. Yes, those who have experienced a significant loss need time to grieve. I know I needed that recently when my Dad went to be with the Lord.
widowfrog on May 2, 2012 at 8:49 am
Letting go….how fitting today’s message was for me. I lost my husband of 44 years less than 2 months after we moved across country to be closer to our daughter and her family. He was ready; I was not ready to be left behind, but having my daughter nearby was a great comfort as we grieved together. Then about a year and a half later, I met another wonderful gentleman at church. He had lost his wife and we started going out to eat. We didn’t expect to fall in love, but God had other plans for us. We got married last October. He fell ill in December and the doctors were not able to save him. Once again, he was ready but I was not. Being left behind is hard. There is no way to describe it. The thing that surprised me the most was the physical hurt you feel in your heart….as if it is literally breaking. I miss the physical contact of the hugs from my husband and maybe I hang on a little longer when someone hugs me now. We aren’t promised tomorrow and so I try to never forget to say, “I love you”, “Thank you”, “You are special to me”, etc. Some people think you should be able to go on with your life and the things you have always done, but grieving is different for everyone, although no less important than anyone else’s grieving. I will return to my activities as I am able. In the meantime, just let me know you care. Letting me talk about my loss also helps. Sometimes I just want you to listen and not offer solutions. Sometimes, you cry with me and I know I am not alone on this earth. God is my strength in all my life. But sometimes, I am mad that He left me with this burden, even though, at the same time, I know He is carrying me through.
tom felten on May 2, 2012 at 9:03 am
Thanks for this beautifully written, poignant perspective, widowfrog. Your profound insights and practical ideas on how to help those who are grieving are extremely helpful to me and the whole odj community. May God continue to comfort you and provide His amazing hope and healing. You are in my prayers!
godisgood on May 2, 2012 at 9:37 am
Widowfrog, what a touching but sad story. I’m sure God is with you and will help you through any storm no matter what it is. Seems like you have great faith and that means a lot in getting anywhere in our Christian walk. And you are right, “He IS carrying you through” and will NEVER, EVER let you go.
Stay strong, grieve at your own pace but always move forward even if it is just a baby step a day:)
Prayers,
J.C.
nivla on May 2, 2012 at 10:52 am
You are in my prayers, widowfrog. 🙂 God bless you
widowfrog on May 2, 2012 at 5:18 pm
Thank you for your kind comments and prayers. I believe you can never have to many of them. I chose the name widowfrog because this “widow” Fully Relys On God….FROG
God Bless you all.
butterfly46 on May 3, 2012 at 8:12 am
Widowfrog, this is a beautiful thing you have done by sharing a bit of yourself to help others. I am glad to go through this with you. Two wonderful men chose to share their lives with you. I was privileged to know them both. They were truly gifts from God to you. God will never leave you. I love that promise.
hgts on May 3, 2012 at 9:02 am
Grief isn’t just for the death of a loved one, it can be, and often is, experienced during any time of loss or unexpected change in our our lives. So many times I hear the standard responses that easily roll off our tongues when trying to encourage friends and family during difficult times, but often we just need to hear and understand with our hearts. Several years ago, after a severe auto accident, I was facing foreclosure on my home, as well as job loss due to downsizing. I’d only been a believer for a couple of years, and sought encouragement from the person who had discipled me, but instead was criticized for not having more faith.
Of course God worked it all out for me, I was promoted on my job, and my faith was strengthened, but I learned from that experience what has been stated here. The best thing we can do for any hurting person is just stand with them and let the Holy Spirit guide our responses. When we offer advice that isn’t asked for, or try to cheer them up, or offer words of encouragement that don’t really come from our hearts, we can end up adding more sorrow to thier already difficult time,
tom felten on May 3, 2012 at 9:19 am
Thanks for bringing up this important point, hgts. Yes, grief can be experienced in so many times of loss—not just the loss of life. We must be so careful not to use words that are unbiblical when talking with those who are grieving. I remember once hearing a man presen thet idea that sickness could be overcome if we only “had more faith.” In the same room with me was a man who was in the process of losing his young child to disease. This man and so many others had been on their knees for the child for months. The words from the speaker were cruel and not biblical. So many people in the Bible cried out to God, but did not receive the healing they requested. But God was there . . . he didn’t leave them or forsake them. He tells us, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). When coming alongside those who are grieving, may we not put words in God’s mouth. As you said, hgts, it is far better for us to “just stand with them and let the Holy Spirit guide our responses.”
AManofGod on May 7, 2012 at 9:05 am
It’s hard when God doesn’t respond to our prayers in the way we would like or in the way that we THINK would ease our pains. We have to understand that His thoughts are not our thoughts and His ways are not our ways. I recall seeing a Chinese film years ago about a man who lost his house and had to come home to ask his wife and children to help him pack up and move their things WITH ONLY A DAY’S NOTICE!! His family was angry and hurt and they cursed the man AND God. What the man’s family didn’t know is that just one year later the communists would overtake their province and demand that all landowners have their possessions taken and also LOSE THEIR HEADS because they owned individually what should have been owned collectively (by the government). God saved the man and his family by taking away their home. Their loss was their salvation.
Our lives can be like that too. God can bless us in ways that at first seem so painful and hard to bear. My life has undergone such drastic changes in the last 5 years (loss of a home, loss of a job, loss of a marriage) but God was molding me and preparing me for the glorious position I know find myself in! He has replaced everything that was taken away from me!
My weeping did last for a night (ok, maybe several nights) but some real joy came in the morning!
HOW GOOD IS OUR GOD!!!
AManofGod