Over the past month or so, my wife and I have had some hard conversations. Places of deep hurt have become visible again. As we’ve talked, amid much sadness, I’ve had to reckon with a lasting wound I left on her heart. Years ago, before we were married, Miska and I endured a significant conflict. In that turmoil, I spoke words to her that were foolish and immature, words that lodged into the most tender and vulnerable places of her heart. I didn’t speak in anger or malice, but rather with ignorance and stupidity. I’ve asked her forgiveness multiple times, and she has freely forgiven me. Still . . . the wound is there. My words can’t be taken back.
James reminds us of how our words carry immense capacity for good or for evil. “The tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches,” James says, “But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire” (James 3:5). Fire is the perfect metaphor, for our words carry great force, and often they recklessly pour out of us. “The tongue is a flame of fire,” James says (James 3:6). Even small words can have immense repercussions.
In fact, the tongue “can set your whole life on fire” (James 3:6). How often have you had a conversation that turned ugly or angry—so much so that the fall-out consumed you or consumed a relationship or left a friendship smoldering in the ashes? It’s true, “no one can tame the tongue. It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison” (James 3:8).
Thankfully, this isn’t the whole story. Proverbs tells us that it’s possible for our gentle words to bring restorative life, to bring wholeness (Proverbs 15:4). The tongue’s fire doesn’t have to be destructive. It’s possible for our words to reflect the beautiful and life-giving words God has spoken to us.
NLT 365-day reading plan passage for today: Mark 9:38-50
More:
Read Proverbs 15:4. How different is the imagery here from what we find in James 3? How does Proverbs envision the impact of our words?
Next:
When have you recently endured the wound of another person’s words? Where do you believe your words have caused harm, and where do you want to see your words bring healing by God’s power?
BearPair on July 25, 2016 at 4:55 am
So true, Winn. James was dead on target with his description of the havoc words can cause. Thanks for this great reminder!
ecclesiastes on July 25, 2016 at 6:46 am
James 3:9-10 are really appropriate: ‘With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. 10 Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing.’
And Thomas Merton once wrote: ‘The silence of God should teach us when to speak and when not to speak.’
This is my prayer: ‘Loving Father, I pray that you will teach me to guard my tongue and guide my words so that I may speak to and of my neighbour only with kindness, respect and love. Amen’
Winn Collier on July 25, 2016 at 9:53 am
that’s a good prayer, good for all of us, thank you
alexaoj on July 25, 2016 at 7:09 am
James 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Remind me, Lord, that the person I’m angry with is made in your image. Help me to have a short memory of hurt and a long memory on forgiveness. In Jesus’s wonderful name. Stay bless saints of God.
Gary Shultz on July 25, 2016 at 7:42 am
I guess I’m not the only one that says things not really to hurt, but probably careless, and often unthoughtful. I find that conversation is very different with, gender, culture and social settings. Words and their punch and meaning become very different. Unfortunately we as a society don’t seem to be getting better with that. Blistering words of hate, vulgarness, and profanity, it’s just not at the construction site any more, it simmers in the office, with men and women, in homes, schools, and in our entertainment. We are consumed with an unbridled tongues. And as you have pointed out Winn, it’s not just if words are vulgar, it’s how and what is said, and often the tone. We should continually be known for what we don’t say as what we do. Thanks Winn
Winn Collier on July 25, 2016 at 9:56 am
known for what we don’t say – now that would be something good
Tom Felten on July 25, 2016 at 8:07 am
Winn, I’m reminded of what Jesus said about the connection between the words we say and our heart; “The words you speak come from the heart—that’s what defiles you. For from the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, all sexual immorality, theft, lying, and slander” (Matthew 15:18-19). Not only does this bring conviction to me, but a reminder of the importance of having my relationship right with Jesus before opening my mouth to others.
gagirllive on July 25, 2016 at 8:45 am
Your last sentence, Tom…that’s it for me. Some people say they don’t want to talk until they’ve had their cup of coffee. I say it’s not wise to talk to me until I’ve talked with Jesus! 🙂
Winn Collier on July 25, 2016 at 9:57 am
it can be unnerving to realize that our words reflect deeper things inside, a window to our soul. We should pay attention to that, huh?
gagirllive on July 25, 2016 at 8:30 am
Winn, I appreciate your transparency here. I can relate to your wife’s wounded spirit by your careless words…and after all this time, I can understand how frustrating it is that this sore spot is still between you. I also know that the same tongue that brought the hurt can also bring the healing, which I’m quite sure you are doing. This may not be the best analogy, but there is a firefighting technique that I find so interesting and relatable to this. It’s called back-firing or a controlled burn. Basically, they start a fire in the path of an existing one to stop its advancement. When the advancing fire reaches the area where the backfire has burned, there is nothing there to consume. Its angry flames have nothing to feed upon and therefore die out. The thing I get from this is that when we use our tongue as a consuming or destroying fire, we can also come behind that bad choice and start a backfire. The advancement of hurt caused by our careless words can be halted by our careful, loving words. Proverbs 12: 18 says that the tongue of the wise brings healing. Hurtful words that I have spoken, as well as words spoken to me, don’t have to continue to do damage. The all-consuming fire of God’s love, grace, and forgiveness can bring healing to the deepest hurts in any relationship. I know…and so do you. That’s why you and your wife are having these meaningful but hard conversations…it’s the backfire technique. Years ago your words pierced your wife like a sword. Today, by God’s grace, they are bringing healing to the hurt. I pray that we would all be careful to use our words to promote health in others. Thanks for sharing this with us, Winn. Grace and peace to all.
Winn Collier on July 25, 2016 at 9:54 am
yes, much grace, that’s the way we find our healing.
youssef1777 on July 25, 2016 at 10:58 am
IF YOU HAVE FAITH IN GOD . AND KNOW HE LOVE YOU . PRAY IN FAITH TO HIM TO GIVE YOU WISDOM TO THINK DEEPLY BEFORE YOU SPEAK . THAT WILL CONTROL YOUR UPSET FROM THE PERSON YOU ARE DEAL WITH . GOD BLESS YOU ALL .
godlove on July 25, 2016 at 11:29 am
Ecclesiastes 10:12 uses another imagery: “Words from the mouth of the wise are gracious, but fools are consumed by their own lips.” I guess it’s true what they say, that the pain caused by words hurts much more and takes much longer to heal than physical pain. Which is the very reason why we must always be careful with the words we use on one another, praying always to have the right words which would build up the listener. My mum used an expression to warn me about being careful about the words I use which I could translate literally as “Always turn your tongue seven times in your mouth before you speak.” Thanks for this reminder, Winn. Blessed week to all.
gagirllive on July 25, 2016 at 11:39 am
I love your mom’s words, godlove. I’ll hang onto that!
jim spillane on July 25, 2016 at 12:01 pm
Winn – thanx for a truly thought-provoking devotional today, and thanx for mixing in your own personal example. Many of us have heard the phrase “forgive and forget” but as I go thru life it seems to me that only our Heavenly Father has that capacity. Many of us are often able to accomplish the first half of that phrase, but struggle with the second. Is it because of our fallen nature? Or perhaps because we live in the devil’s playground and he won’t let us forget those really hurtful statements made in a true relationship? You, yourself, say “Places of deep hurt have become visible again” and “I’ve had to reckon with a lasting wound I left on her heart.” Unfortunately, I can’t seem to find the answers, but I do know that there is a day coming when I will no longer have to be concerned about it. Blessings to you and all who visit here.
gagirllive on July 25, 2016 at 12:43 pm
Jim, may I share this with you? I’m sure Winn will answer you more directly, but I wanted to speak to your insightful comments. In my experience, I have been able, by the grace of God, to “forgive and forget”. For me, it was a matter of surrendering the offense to God and then, as an act of my will, choosing to “forget” it. There is no humanly possible way we can forget some things that have happened to us. Some experiences are indelibly pressed into our minds and lives as a piece of our story. But to me, forgetting means deliberately choosing NOT to remember…not rehearsing or rehashing the offense over and over. That only keeps it alive. Love keeps no record of wrongs, remember? I’m certainly not saying that it’s easy, because it’s not. It’s hard work. Every time it comes up I remember that I’ve chosen to forget it. I remember that it’s forgiven. It has no power over me anymore. And like Christ’s dealings with me, I cast the offense and the thoughts about it into the sea of forgetfulness. I do this over and over again if I have to…until I feel the peace and freedom again. I think we choose to forget by not dwelling on it when it rears its head again. This is not the same as burying your hurt. You have to do the hard work of healing with God first. This is God-size stuff, but He has done it for me, so I know He can do it for others. Does this make sense? Thanks for bringing up an important element in this subject, Jim. Always good to hear your voice here.
crossman61 on July 25, 2016 at 7:41 pm
Thank you for sharing your personal story Winn !! I think all of us men can learn from a video on youtube ( its not about the nail ) . Sometimes us men just need to listen. Maybe you have all seen it !? It looks quite painful .
Regina Franklin on May 18, 2017 at 7:37 pm
Winn–your transparency is highly valued . . . thank you for being real in sharing this experience.