Amy Chua’s 7-year-old daughter Lulu was struggling to master a difficult piece of classical piano music. When she gave up, her mother ordered her back to the piano, threatening to dispose of the little girl’s dolls’ house if the piece wasn’t perfect by the next day. The threats continued: no lunch, dinner, or holiday presents—and no birthday parties for several years. Lulu was told to “stop being lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent, and pathetic.” Her mother became hoarse from yelling. But then suddenly, “out of the blue,” as her mother put it, Lulu was able to play the piece beautifully.
Is it okay to harshly and excessively pressure our children to perform if we think the results will benefit them in the long run? As a self-proclaimed “Tiger Mom,” Amy Chua’s fierce parenting style says: Yes! Yet the Bible says, “Do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged” (Colossians 3:21). Demanding perfection is one way to provoke our children and dishearten them.
It’s important to remember that God doesn’t treat us this way. Rather, “The Lord is like a father to His children, tender and compassionate to those who fear Him” (Psalm 103:13). Reflecting on our own experiences with God’s grace can help us as we parent our children.
Along with God’s example, we have His instructions on how to treat people. Our children have much to gain when we “clothe [our]selves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (Colossians 3:12). And, “above all, clothe [our]selves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony” (Colossians 3:14).
Harmony is often hard to achieve when it comes to working with our children. As children who have sampled our heavenly Father’s grace and love, however, we can discipline, train and teach our children in a way that makes Him proud.
NLT 365-day reading plan passage for today: John 6:22-40
More:
Read 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12 to see an example of how a father might treat his children. Read Isaiah 49:15-16 for a picture of God’s tender care for His people.
Next:
How does your relationship with your heavenly Father impact the way you interact with children? How might you show them grace today?
exhilira on July 18, 2012 at 9:32 am
I know the adult children of a Christian couple whose parenting style was like Amy’s, harsh, demanding and critical. They are angry, emotionally distant, and reject the church and Jesus. They are in my prayers, and I believe that as I interact with them, God is using me to point to His love, gentleness and acceptance.
jennifer benson schuldt on July 18, 2012 at 3:11 pm
exhilira,
I’m glad to hear that you are reaching out to people who may know the truth, but who can’t separate it from difficult childhood experiences. This situation illustrates why God doesn’t want us to provoke and discourage our kids. God does want us to correct our children, but in the context of love. And, love is patient, love is kind…
May God bless you as you minister to these wounded ones.
barlene on July 18, 2012 at 10:46 am
Its typical of Asian parents to be critical. Is it right no but its hoe they were brought up in such a way that their parents did. Yes its distructive and sad but, its a ficous cycle cause when they have kids it will keep on until someone gets fed up and takes a stand and put a stop to it. In my neighborhood I see it and I hear it all over its disheartening to say the least.
jennifer benson schuldt on July 18, 2012 at 3:21 pm
barlene,
As you pointed out, this kind of treatment is often passed down from parents to kids and so on. Many of us parent the way we were parented. In light of this, it’s important to remember that multiple generations will be affected by our interactions with our children—good or bad. Thank God for His grace (2 Corinthians 12:9) and His example which are available for us and our kids!
mike wittmer on July 18, 2012 at 10:53 am
Jennifer, this is a wise critique of an important book from a Christian perspective. We have to be impressed at what Amy’s children have accomplished, and it is a good reminder to those of us who undoubtedly coddle our children too much, but you rightly point out that achievement is no substitute for acceptance.
I think of other cultures, often located in the warm Southern hemisphere, which seem to achieve less than the artists and businessmen in the North. And yet the people in these cultures have a happiness, contentment, and flourishing extended families that the overachievers often lack. Makes me wonder who is really getting ahead.
jennifer benson schuldt on July 18, 2012 at 3:48 pm
Mike,
I like what you said about getting ahead. That comment gets at a larger question: “What is success?” As Christians, should we adopt God’s view of success, or man’s view of success? Our parenting styles will differ greatly based on that choice.
Training our kids to become relentless achievers may cripple their spirits in certain areas. Pride, a lack of compassion, and the idea that one person has more value than another based on his or her achievements, may all be outcomes of Amy’s parenting style.
On the other hand, I don’t believe we should allow our kids to squander their God-given talents and abilities. The combination of attainable challenges along with appropriate encouragement and inspiration is a much more positive way of helping our kids become the people God wants them to be.
purestrength on July 18, 2012 at 11:16 am
A recent piece of research shows that children who are spanked are more likely to suffer some types of mental illness and substance abuse.
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/spanking-kids-leads-adult-mental-illnesses/story?id=16695697
I have had my own struggles with several issues because of being spanked as a child and several of my siblings who were more likely to recieve spankings have struggled with these issues their whole lives.
I praise Jesus that He saved me and helped me to be an educated parent. I learned how to ‘disciple’ my children and help them learn to make good choices. They are now grown adults and they are living full and successful lives. Thanks be to our Great God!
jennifer benson schuldt on July 18, 2012 at 3:27 pm
purestrength,
God can and does “undo” many problems from our past—even those related to our earliest childhood experiences. Thank you for sharing how the LORD helped you to parent your children in a way that has resulted in success. I love it when “love” wins. : )
winn collier on August 1, 2012 at 5:43 pm
man, this is where I live so often. I find that being attentive to my son’s heart (more than focusing only on their behavior or the immediate frustrating reality) is important for me.