Olivia Wilde is a film star who divorced her Italian prince because their marriage was requiring more effort and returning less fun. “I don’t think love should be work,” the actress told an interviewer, “My parents have been married for 35 years. They said, ‘You have to work at it. That’s what it takes.’ But we tried, and it wasn’t making us happy.”
Olivia’s comments reflect a misunderstanding of both the meaning and the motivation of love. It appears she believes love is nothing more than a feeling. Worse, she infers that the purpose of love is to please ourselves, not others. She suggests that love exists to make us happy, and that if we’re not happy we’re no longer in love.
Olivia believes her problem is as follows: “I’m a ridiculous romantic. I have very high standards for every part of life—my work, my relationships, food, love. I can’t just pretend.” Actually, her standards aren’t too high—they’re too low. I hope one day she finds the fullness of love that Jesus offers.
The apostle John declares that true love was most clearly revealed on the cross. Jesus’ sacrifice proves that love isn’t a feeling, unless you count the feeling of despair that welled up in His cry, “My God, My God, why have You abandoned Me?” (Mark 15:34). Love doesn’t seek its own happiness, but requires that we sacrifice for one another. Paul explains that “love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance” (1 Corinthians 13:7). In other words it often feels a lot like work.
Love isn’t guaranteed to bring us happiness, but it is guaranteed to hurt. C. S. Lewis wrote: “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.”
Love anyway. It’s worth the hurt.
NLT 365-day reading plan passage for today: Mark 4:1-29
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Read Ephesians 5:21-33 to learn practical ways to love a spouse.
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C. S. Lewis added that the only way to avoid pain is to lock your love “in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
Cazador on July 9, 2012 at 4:42 am
I agree. I think any relationship based on self-gratification and self-fulfillment is doomed to fail – romantic or otherwise. It’s when all parties start become other-centered that relationships flourish. But it is hard work; and it goes against human nature and our natural inclinations to think others first.
jimgroberts on July 9, 2012 at 7:26 am
I agree with the author and Cazador to a certain extent. To explain – “Love” is best expressed in the three Greek terms:-
Eros – an intimate sexual self-gratifying love [romantic love]
Philia – a conditional love; a give and take relationship; “I love you if you love me”; team work; applies to all relationships personal, work, etc.
Agape – an unconditional love; “nothing seperate you from me”; undying relationship and commitment; not dependent; [best described in 1 Cor 13]
We agree that a relationship based on Eros [self-gratification] cannot last.
The article suggests that relationships based on Philia can last but takes hard work and wll cause hurt to both paties – and I agree that that is so and speaks for many of the marriages in the world and church [also non-romantic relationships].
However if our relationship is based on Agape it will last since there is nothing to end it until death parts us. The question is how can we have Agape love since it is not natural. It is the supernatural love of Jesus poured out in our heart. It is something we can acquire but only through “Eagerly pursue and seek to acquire [this] love” [1 Cor 14:1]. About working at it and getting hurt we have to realise who we are doing these things for. Firstly we read “a cord of three strands cannot easily be broken” so there is a third person in these relationships based on agape. Who is this person – the Spirit that Jesus asked the Father to send. Secondly we are commanded to love God first and above all others. Thirdly we are bought by the sacrificial death and cleansed by His blood so owe allegianse to His will as Lord. So we are not doing these things for our partner, our children, our colleague, etc. we are doing it for the third person in the relationship – Jesus. He said “do it in My name” – “what you did for the least you were doing for me” – “do it as if you were doing it for Me”.
I became a born again Christian after being married 10 years. My wife would not accept it and turned the kids against me. I lived in the same house for 1 year under much abuse and persecution but they were my wife and children and I continued to love them unconditionally even when my wife started a relationship with another man. Eventually I agreed to divorce as is acceptable by the teachings of Jesus. But I continued to Love my children. Was I hurt – in human ways well but I did what I did for Jesus becuse He loved Me enough to save Me. I had many Job comforters and pity parties which do not help but Jesus came to me when i was alone and said “Why are you hurt why are you crying – you have Me”. It changed me then and continues to change me daily – and I proclaim to myself I cannot be hurt in Jesus – not even by death or sickness. As Job said “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised.”
mike wittmer on July 9, 2012 at 11:02 am
Jim:
You have a powerful story of the grace of Christ. I know so many men who are in a similar situation, devastated by a divorce they did not want. I can’t imagine being in your shoes, but I think you have found the key to not only surviving but also thriving in this sinful calamity–finding your identity in Jesus. He will never leave us or forsake us, and his love never changes, regardless of what those closest to us may choose to feel about us. May God continue to grant you sufficient grace to be a lighthouse to other men who are enduring similar trials.
jstabel on July 9, 2012 at 12:45 pm
Jimgroberts…I honestly love your contribution and for sharing your personal experience…The Good LORD WILL KEEP AND UPHOLD YOU.
alli on July 9, 2012 at 1:02 pm
is it? i mean is it worth it? i hate to sound extremely cynical, i suppose its because i’ve only known seen,selfish love.I’ve seen ppl stay because of what they recieve but never what they are willing to give. you give and give and its like for what? its all you scratch my back ill stratch yours. People in my world give not because they love you but because of what they are gonna get. I started to think GOd was like this too. if you do this for me ill do this for you. it makes it like, well who cares?
I mean the reason i know this to be tru of ppl is because when you fail they immediately stop loving. i dont know too many in my world whose love is unconditional. not to many. its making me question if all this giving up what i want is worth it, seeming as no one seems to really care about me anyway. hate to sound like a grinch but im being honest.
tom felten on July 9, 2012 at 2:54 pm
Thanks for expressing your true feelings, Alli. I’m sure many, many people in the ODJ community were nodding their heads as they read your thoughts. My prayer is that you won’t give up. Having talked with and counseled many single individuals over the years, I’ve seen those who are truly Christlike and selfless and those who have been blinded by sin and are selfish . . . hedonistic . . . narcissistic. The good news? There are godly young men seeking godly young women—men who are truly striving to follow Jesus and live out His selfless ways. Don’t settle for someone who is less than God’s best for you. Keep your standards high and prayerfully seek someone who truly loves God and will truly love you selflessly.
mike wittmer on July 9, 2012 at 3:39 pm
Alli:
You are so right. I think that people–because we’re selfish sinners–are often like dogs. My dog often acts like he likes me, but really he’s just interested in my food (which is when he usually comes around).
I think the key is to find our security and significance in Christ. When we know that we are loved by him (and when you doubt this remember that Jesus died on the cross for you), then we are free to love others regardless how they mistreat us. I’m not saying it’s easy, but this is a part of the gift we have in Jesus.
alli on July 9, 2012 at 6:35 pm
thanks
regina franklin on July 10, 2012 at 3:40 pm
Mike,
What a pertinent truth for our culture today. One of my favorite books by C.S. Lewis is the novel Till We Have Faces. In this modern retelling of the myth of Cupid and Psyche, Lewis demonstrates how often our own love is extremely self-centered, even when we think we are giving our all for someone else. Like Orual, we cannot know who we are (or the truth of how we love) until we come face to face with our own brokenness and face to face with Love uncreated in God Himself.
luke1618 on October 2, 2012 at 9:40 pm
As Christians, we must look at what Jesus says about Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage.
Jesus said…Divorce + Remarriage = Adultery!