Seven years ago, she stayed after Bible study to talk about her struggles as a mom. With a child nearing preadolescence, she was torn between making decisions that would make her daughter feel different than her peers and wanting the young girl to “fit in” to avoid the social ostracism of her own teen years. Today her daughter “fits in” a little too well. Beautiful and talented, she’s dating the “cool” guy who is charismatic and popular. She’s got it all. Everything, that is, but her virginity.
Having ministered to youth for many years, my husband and I have observed a lot about parenting from the outside. Still in the trenches with our own two children, we’re far from having all the answers. Sadly though, we’ve had front row seats to a few situations where parents have relinquished their responsibility to protect their child in exchange for the vicarious affirmation they receive through the teen’s acceptance by others.
Before we can make truly selfless decisions for our children, we have to go head to head with our own insecurities. If we see things through our own scars, we may be tempted to overlook an issue that needs to be addressed. For we’re caught up in the fact that our child has gained something (or someone) we didn’t have.
In Proverbs 29, Solomon reminds us of the biblical principle that godly shepherding isn’t always comfortable and painless (John 10:12-15). It often requires that we risk the ire of those we love by giving them the “wisdom” (Proverbs 29:15) and “guidance” (Proverbs 29:18) that will preserve their physical, emotional, and spiritual health.
Let’s remember the purpose and privilege we’ve been given to lead others, as a parent or otherwise—to see them grow in Christlikeness. Leading requires clear, not clouded, vision.
NLT 365-day reading plan passage for today: John 10:1-18
More:
Read James 4:4-5 and 1 John 2:15-17 to see the importance of raising our children to be different from the culture of the world.
Next:
What are some of the insecurities you faced as a teenager? How can you use the painful things you experienced to help you make wise decisions about your children?
tom felten on August 10, 2011 at 1:13 pm
You nailed it, Regina. It’s so much easier to simply let your kids do what they want to versus confronting and disciplining them when they need it. The terrible things that happened to David and others due to his lack of training his sons (see Amnon, Absalom, etc.) is a serious reminder for us to truly be parents to our kids, not simply a bff.
regina franklin on August 28, 2011 at 6:25 pm
Dear Tom,
Thanks! The story of David is one of those that both saddens and brings hope. I am becoming more convinced that the truths of God go deep, not only into our lives, but even in laying a foundation for things that cannot be seen with our eyes or in our lifetime even. I’m sure had David been able to see the fallout for his family, his choices would have been much different. God gives us his story to speak encouragement in our failures and to issue a challenge to move with wisdom and dedication to the Lord in dealing with our family issues.
levikahn on August 10, 2011 at 2:20 pm
Parents are required for the teaching of biblical Crist loving input to their children. They are not responsible for the output of their children as long as biblical doctrines have been tought and practiced during childhood.
regina franklin on August 28, 2011 at 6:27 pm
Dear levikahn,
Very true. I cannot control my children’s choices. I can only choose my actions and my responses to their choices. And above all, I can storm the heavens in prayer that the glory of God would be made manifest in their lives.
stewartd on August 10, 2011 at 2:27 pm
Tom Felten should come to England and see what parental failure has produced here in London and Mamchester…RIOTS THUGGERY and wholesale LOOTING!
tom felten on August 10, 2011 at 6:05 pm
I’ve been to your beautiful land, stewartd. In fact, my mother was born there! I grieve with you as we see the wanton destruction that young people are doing in the UK. Yes, YES, kids so badly need strong, loving parents to teach them right from wrong—to raise them in healthy, Christ-centered homes.
GChoo on August 12, 2011 at 10:26 am
I do really agree that parental guidance and discipline are important. And ultimately with God’s wisdom.
I am really saddened and appalled by what is happening down in the English cities. It is generally true that there is a lack of control on the part of parents. But, I am also convinced that the past government welfare policies, some of the children rights and EU human rights policies have created what it is today. The riots is not like other countries who have been suppressed and under years of persecution.
A dad who was being interviewed, BBC news, on the aftermath of the mindless riots said that as parents, their hands are tied due to all the ridiculous children rights law and EU human rights law. It is not only the parents but even teachers and the police. What had happened to the old days of discipling the children, it is no longer right in the eyes of these laws. The end result is, there is no respect for authority. Worse of all, the generous and unchecked welfare benefits have made society to become lazy. Why work when getting benefits is better off than working just to make ends meet?
We, now, can only pray that God will have grace and mercy over the whole of the UK, to give wisdom to our govt., all political parties to be united and the police to come up with solutions that will calm things down, and to rebuild the crushed society. And also, the people of this nation to realise the implication of such actions which will not help anything but bring the country into deeper recession. Earnest prayer, Amen.
alli on August 13, 2011 at 12:34 am
i grew up in a poor neighbor, but my folks sent me to a rich mostly white school. i was different, even tho i didnt think i was b/c no one told me i was. i began to want what the other kids had and wanted then ppl told me i was black. So since i never accepted that it became a fight. Then I realized i could not have what they had and i had to let it go. My fam and many blk familys back in the day were poor, faithfilled and dignified, but still i got to me, knowing i could ‘go’ with my other friends cuz i didnt have the money or keep up. My folks tried to keep up, but when it ran out i was still poor and black. but the thing was i wasnt even blk enough. I was biracial so again i was ‘different’ i wanted to be in the crew so bad that comprimised who i was so that ppl didn’t think i was too ‘white’ or too black. I just wanted to ;fit in’ I also had a sick parent so my household was ‘different’. i saw others going having fun, but in my house it wasnt like that. I was in the hospital or dealing with stuff, so i used to really get mad about that..i couldn’t just go there was always a ‘responsiblity and sometimes my friends were tired b/c they had healthy families, so again i was left out and ‘different’ i am always ‘different’ so i am finally learning to accept the fact that my life is not ‘normal’ and i will never fit in so to speak and perhaps its because im not supposed to, things are not perfect, but this is not my home.
regina franklin on August 28, 2011 at 6:34 pm
Dear alli,
What you’ve shared is so very true. The enemy tries to use the things that have happened to us in our past to define who we are or who we will become. While my story is different than yours, I think it is a part of our human nature to compare ourselves with others or to compare our lives to what we think they should be.
I have faced the temptation to be frustrated at things I have considered unfair in my life only to be reminded by the Lord that He is the One who has the power to take any broken place in my life and reform it for His glory and my good. But even that blessing doesn’t absolve me of how I choose to see my life and my responsibility to act in accordance with His Word, regardless of the choices others make.
May the Lord’s strength cause you to rise up in peace as you hold fast to His Word.
And what an incredible reminder–yes, we were not made for this world:). May every painful place and disappointment solidify this truth in our hearts–we are not home yet.