While in college, I volunteered at a center that provided emergency housing assistance. One winter day, a distraught woman called to complain about her negligent landlord. She couldn’t stay in her rental home because of severe maintenance problems. In a panic, she asked what she could do to care for her children in the cold weather. I gave the standard answer, which was to move into a hotel until the problem was resolved. Under our state’s consumer protection laws, she could bill the landlord. But she angrily hung up on me, believing I had failed to take her seriously.
I may have known the textbook response to that woman’s question, but I didn’t grasp her real need. She needed someone to comprehend her fear and desperation. She needed to feel she was not alone in her dilemma. I had done nothing to address her heartfelt cry.
In the Bible, Job stands as a paragon of patience. He too had a heartfelt cry. He had lost everything in a cosmic game no human being could comprehend (see Job 1:1–2:13). And he had friends with thoughtless textbook answers.
“Can you solve the mysteries of God?” asked his friend Zophar, drunk on his own self-righteousness (Job 11:7). “If only you would prepare your heart and lift up your hands to Him in prayer!” (Job 11:13). Naturally, that only elicited a bitter retort from Job. “You people really know everything, don’t you? And when you die, wisdom will die with you!” (Job 12:1-2).
We malign Job’s friends for their failure to see the big picture. But I’m no different. I’m quick with answers to questions I’ve never faced.
“You’ve got questions, we’ve got answers,” says an advertising campaign. For life’s big questions, people do want and need answers. Most of all, they want to know someone truly cares.
More:
Read Job 12 to see some of Job’s honest and angry responses to his friends. What was Job’s ultimate conclusion? (see chapter 42).
Next:
How have you been comforted by someone when you were hurting? Do you feel that you have the answers to everyone’s questions? How might this be misinterpreted by others?
Princess Sarah on January 4, 2011 at 4:29 am
So true. Sometimes people dont really want to hear advices, all they only want is your care. Sadly, most concern citizens were misinterpreted coz they dont know when to shut up. Instead of helping they cause more injury.
auvencetri on January 4, 2011 at 5:25 pm
Yes I understand the issue. In love let me submit this. In my experience women are much better than us men at empathy. Men are problem solvers and that is how we are hard wired for the most part. Instead of feelings we tend to be “fixers”.
cspevacek on January 4, 2011 at 5:50 am
Tim and Sarah you are so right. I have been a volunteer in so many different jobs and I always had answers for everyone. But finally training to be a Stephens Minister showed me that most people don’t really want us to fix their problems they want us to care that they have a problem. Handing someone a meal voucher, a blanket or getting them clothing means alot more when it is coupled with empathy and reflective listening. We may not know exactly what that person is going through but we can give them our time and a listening ear. I’ve been on both ends and its nice to know someone cares. God Bless
lindagma on January 4, 2011 at 7:46 am
AH! YES! How many times I’ve rattled on and come away, realizing that I know nothing about the person I’ve been conversing with. This applies, even when there is not a crisis. I remember being told that an elderly lady commented to another about what a wonderful young woman I was…I had simply listened to her stories and didn’t say much of anything. Oh how “self” can get in the way of a ministry. Thank you for your reminder…this is one of my goals for the New Year…to do more listening and encouraging.
tim gustafson on January 4, 2011 at 7:47 am
Yeah, I still struggle with impatience and wanting to provide a quick “answer.” I think what people are most desperate for is genuine friendship. That takes time, and most of us don’t really want to give that—myself included. So my prayer is that today I will do a better job of practicing what Jesus taught: Love your neighbor as yourself.
Bryan B on January 4, 2011 at 8:52 am
So very true. People want to know that you understand their condition and emphathize with them. To just pop off with the answer shows that you do not truly care about them but merely the “solution”. Sometimes the “solution” is to merely be a shoulder they can lean on.
daisymarygoldr on January 4, 2011 at 9:24 am
“People do not care how much you know until they know how much you care.” It is good to show we care by meeting the physical (and emotional) needs of those around us.
God has the answers to everyone’s questions. And so, when I show my love and care by directing them to His word, people may misinterpret me but that’s okay because God sees and knows the motives of my heart.
Personally, I would know someone really cares for me when they provide me with God’s answers found in His prescribed textbook. Human words are least comforting to me, especially when I am in deep agony and pain.
Empathy may sound good to my ears and temporarily makes me feel good but it is His Word that ultimately heals my wounded and hurting spirit. It is the promise of God’s Word that comforts me in my sufferings (Ps 119:50).