Q: How do you forgive someone who has died? —Donna
A: While there is no longer the opportunity to forgive someone who has died face to face, we can forgive such a person in our hearts. Without denying the hurt that was done to us, we can choose to let go of the enmity within that we’ve held against a person.
It is to our benefit to forgive. Forgiveness keeps bitterness from taking root and poisoning our hearts. Bitterness is one of the worst things to be imprisoned by. It makes us hard and miserable as people and continues to give the one who have harmed us the power to continue to negatively affect our lives, even after they have passed away.
As Christians, we can let go of the hatred and bitterness we’ve harbored inside through an awareness of how much God has forgiven us through Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. The more that truth sinks in, the freer we will be to release others from the wrongs they committed against us. —Jeff Olson
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RaeRae on January 26, 2012 at 1:01 pm
Also, whether the person is living or not, forgiving is less about looking at the person or the act that caused us pain, and more about looking to the Sovereign God Who allowed it to happen. It’s about putting our trust in our Heavenly Father’s faithfulness and His promise that He is working all things together for the good of those who love Him. Like Joseph, when he told his brothers that they had intended harm for him, but God had meant him good. Joseph was able to look past the people and the events that wounded him, to the One Who already had his life laid out before the foundations of the world.
I was abused as a child. Although I had some cloudy memories of the events, I never had a clear face to put on my abuser. For years after I became a Christian, I struggled with how I could forgive someone I didn’t even know. And then God spoke to me one day while I was reading Job. God is Sovereign; He knows our beginning, our middle and our end. It is through Him that all things here in our lives are allowed: good and bad. His promise is that, although we will face troubles, He is in charge, and what we encounter is for His glory and our benefit. With all of that revealed to me, I realized that it didn’t matter who my attacker was. What was important was that I could accept what had happened to me as something that my loving God allowed. He knows exactly what I need, when I need it, and He knows just how much I can stand. He knew what it would take to get me to where He wanted me, and I have to trust that it was in sight of His loving future for me that He allowed me to be hurt.
daisymarygoldr on January 26, 2012 at 4:39 pm
Good Q and response! It is simple to forgive someone who is dead because it just takes one to forgive. But then it is not as simple as it sounds because the deceased will never know they have been forgiven.
This is not to make people who are in this predicament— feel guilty. It is never too late to forgive. So, we can still forgive someone who has died knowing the fact that God sees our hearts and knows our thoughts. It delights the Father’s heart when as His children, we let go of our desire to see the offender get punished— for the wrong they did to us.
The lesson that needs to be learned from this is: keep short accounts and forgive right away so as to allow no room for regrets. Forgiveness is not a choice. It is a command. In the Bible, we have no guaranty of tomorrow. To forgive the living or the dead, if we are waiting for the right time, then it is now. If we are waiting for the perfect day, it is today.
Moreover, it is unhealthy to carry all that pain day after day, year after year when we could have laid it to rest soon after we got hurt. Have you been offended? Then forgive immediately. It will make us be thankful for all of our lives— to know that God forgives us our sins as we forgive those who sinned against us.
mike wittmer on January 28, 2012 at 12:54 pm
Great counsel for an excruciating problem. Hopefully the person died in Christ, because then we can hope for a future and final reconciliation with them. If not, then this is one of the eternal tragedies of sin–where reconciliation will never occur. But as you say, we can and must still forgive them in our hearts.