Q: How can I love a very close relative of mine who is very wicked and sees me as an instrument for obtaining money? He is very cruel to me and I’m afraid of him because money is his only concern.  —Grace

A: Hi, Grace. Thank you for writing! We are very glad to hear from you.

Many people mistake love to mean that we should be passive and give in to others’ demands—that we should tolerate someone’s abuse. That couldn’t be further from what love means!

The Bible says that to genuinely love is to “hate what is evil; cling to what is good” (Rom. 12:9 NIV). In other words, there are moments that a loving response confronts and stands in the way of sin in the life of another. At the same time, a loving response believes in the one they’re confronting, inviting him to be who God intended him to be. Love “hopes all things” (I Corinthians 13:7 NKJV). To love is to offer a mixture of strength and tenderness.

The strong side of love requires that you no longer tolerate this relative’s cruelty. I don’t know what your circumstances are (i.e. how old you are, if you are you living with this person, etc.). but you’ve described him as wicked and that you’re afraid of him. Therefore, I highly recommend that you don’t confront him alone.  Find a trusted, wise Christian friend (or two) who can help you get out of this relationship with as little damage as possible. Maybe your pastor can help you. You may even need to get the police involved if he’s threatened to harm you or someone you know.

The tender side of love remains humble and hopeful that this person will come to his senses. But he will only come to his senses if you hold strong to the consequences for his actions.

This is love. Why?  Because it honors your dignity saying “I am worthy of respect.” Putting up boundaries with him also says to him that he does not have to act this way towards you and that you believe he has the capacity to act in a way that honors and respects others.

I hope this is helpful to you, Grace.  Please remember that it’s important to have godly, mature people walk with you as you enter into this process of holding him accountable for how he’s treated you.

Thank you again for writing. God bless.  —Allison Stevens

Feel free to submit a “you choose Q” to ODJ by using the contact us form on the home page!