Q: I know God hates divorce. Yet I have to wonder when is enough, enough. I have been married for 15 years to a non-Christian. At present, there is no communication, no relationship in any sense. It is like two strangers living in the same house. It seems he lives to put me down, degrade me, and be rude. I have spent years trying to show love and affection with no response.I have planned activities to do together—no interest. He does not want to have friends or do anything not connected to a computer or our pets. I can’t bring myself to walk away, but at the same time I am miserable. He’s retired and I work and have a great job. So I am not one of those women who can’t make it on their own. How can you know with certainty that enough is enough? —Connie
A: Hi, Connie. Thank you for writing us. We’re so glad that you did. I’m sad for what you’ve been through with your husband. I’m sure it’s heartbreaking and exhausting and—quite frankly—depressing.
What you seem to have described is an emotionally and mentally abusive marriage. Putting you down, degrading you, and withholding affection are all signs of abuse. If this is the case, your husband is using these tactics to control you. Are there times when you feel suffocated, scared, intimidated, and angry? You must feel stuck in your marriage at times, .
You asked when is enough, enough? It’s different for everyone. No one can tell you what to do, or when you’re ready. You will know.
Yes, God hates divorce, but that verse is often taken out of context and used to make people stay in loveless, abusive marriages. This is misusing the intent of Scripture, which is to show us the heart of God. God loves you and He hates all that your husband is doing to you. He hates the things we do to one another that lead to divorce.
It’s important for you to find out why you stay. What keeps you in this marriage? Have you tried counseling? Has your husband? I wouldn’t recommend marriage counseling at this point, because the issues you’ve described need one-to-one attention. I recommend that you find a competent biblical counselor in your area to help you work through the problems you’re facing and help you come up with some good options for you.
I hope this is helpful to you. Click here for a helpful online booklet written by one of our teammates. It gives a more thorough perspective of this difficult issue.
Give yourself fully to the Lord, and follow His leading. He is 100% trustworthy and He loves you so much. —Allison Steven
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jimgroberts on April 23, 2012 at 4:11 pm
Very good advice – God can best measure when we have gone the extra mile. I was married 11 years and had two children. She did go to church but did not have a relationship with God. Just as you say there is a great chasm between a believer and non-believer. She had many other relationship but I willingly stayed with her in the hope and for the childens sake. In the end she went off with another and divorced me.
Trust God, keep in strong fellowship with your church.
Personally, When Jesus says “how can light have communion with darkness” I believe that in Gods sight there is no marriage just the hope that you might win the other to the light.
I pray that God will give you the strength to continue shining and the wisdom to know His will.
Loving our enemy has been a big trial and test of faith for many in the church. In this way many have defeatef the enemy.
melanierweber on April 26, 2012 at 10:47 am
Hello Connie. It was the words of Dallas Willard in his book The Divine Conspiracy which helped me to proceed with the choice of a divorce. There is content that speaks to a loved one who has hardened their heart; unmoved by God’s prompting. It is when I realized that my opinion and words were of no influence whatsoever, that the time had come. A book by Dr. Phil entitled Self Matters helped me tremendously. I needed to overcome my fear and intimidation. Praise God for showing me how valuable I am. To have rescued me from an unfortunate relationship which was causing me to die spiritually. He has restored my joy fully and completely. Praying for you.
luke1618 on October 2, 2012 at 10:07 pm
As Christians, we must look at what Jesus says about Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage.
Jesus said…Divorce + Remarriage = Adultery!