This weekend a new movie opens which would have been unimagineable (both scientifically and morally) just a few years ago. In The Kids Are All Right, the children of two lesbians search for their biological, sperm-donor dad. I obviously haven’t seen the movie, but I suspect that it will push the typical cultural message that non-traditional families are as good if not better than husband-wife families because the children are even more loved. Unlike traditional families, where the baby might have been an “accident,” a lesbian mother chose to become pregnant. So you see honey, she really wanted you.
As Julianne Moore explained on CBS’ The Early Show, “The great thing about this family is it’s a typical American family. I mean, they’re incredibly lucky; they have one working parent, a stay-at-home parent, which is extraordinarily rare these days. Children are well cared for and loved and cherished. The partnership is — you know, it’s definitely a portrait of a middle-aged marriage.”
Sadly, our culture’s insistence on the individual right of the single mother to have a child by sperm donation does not typically consider the consequences for the child. Many of these children are now grown up and they are speaking up, and they confess that they have a huge hole in their hearts. Imagine the identity issues of learning that your father is an anonymous sperm donor. That you may have met him and didn’t realize it. That you could date and marry a blood relative without knowing it. That if you’re lucky enough to locate your dad, that he probably doesn’t want a relationship with you. He donated his sperm for money, not because he cared about you.
As this sperm donor teenager in The Washington Post explains, she was jealous of other children whose parents divorced, because at least they had a dad. These kids were often coddled and comforted for what they were losing, but no one ever noticed that she didn’t even have a dad to lose.
Now imagine ten years out, when these poor children marry and attempt to have healthy families. What have we wrought? If you watch this movie, remember the children.
saunieh on July 7, 2010 at 1:59 pm
I disagree with most of what you say. I think there’s too much time spent in the Christian community focusing on the ills of homosexual relationships, and while the Bible is very clear in its stand on these (I’m not arguing the Biblical perspective at all) I think too much time is spent on how unfortunate and different these kids are. Let’s not forget that whether they come from a one parent, two parent, same sex parent, or institutional home, they are children of God and I don’t recall anywhere in scripture where is says we treat people differently based on “heritage”. In fact, it was this very point that Christ took the Pharisees to task several times. It’s time to treat children as children with no other qualifying factors. You quote one person highlighted in a newspaper. For every one you can find, I can find a rebuttal. I often tell people I am so busy minding my own business I don’t have time to mind other peoples’ business. Christ took people where they were and worked with them; he didn’t qualify their background and we should do the same. Please, let’s just leave those in the gay and lesbian community alone and let them lead their lives. The fact that they want and in many cases do raise families is not something that does damage to you. Again, take people from where they are at and work with them, don’t spend so much time decrying a life style that for most is a peaceful existence and not breaking any laws. That’s not what we’re here for. We are here to spread the word of God with love. As someone who is not gay I find your article somewhat offensive. I can only imagine how offensive it must be to someone who is gay.
thestate on July 7, 2010 at 2:20 pm
Brilliantly stated, Saunieh. This article is almost as offensive as it is narrow minded. It’s unfortunate we still see such promotions of Christianity that couldn’t be more in conflict with our supposed core values. As a heterosexual Catholic, I’m embarrassed to have read this and would like to reiterate that Mike Wittmer does not speak for us all.
bittlybop on July 7, 2010 at 3:22 pm
2 Questions for “saunieh” and “thestate”
1. When did Jesus ever advocate sin?
2. Do you regard the scriptures written by Paul has having the same authority with the direct words of Jesus?
mike wittmer on July 7, 2010 at 3:24 pm
I think that you both missed my point, which is that we haven’t thought through the implication of sperm-donation on the children who are its products. Read the Washington Post essay for a child who appreciates her mother and yet has deep hurts because of her biological father. This issue of sperm donation is true for anyone, whether the parent is homosexual or not. I only mentioned the homosexual element because that is part of the movie. I don’t think that we will agree on the morality or even the advisability of homosexual practice, but it certainly isn’t inappropriate or mean to point out that a common method of producing offspring in a lesbian marriage raises issues for the children–at least according to them.
And finally, I don’t understand how you thought I was critical of the offspring. My post is entirely on the side of the child. In no way did I say anything negative about them. My point is that their parent has put them in a bad spot.
CEG on July 8, 2010 at 12:29 am
There’s nothing to be embarrassed about this article, unless we imagine things that are not even suggested in the article, e.g. treat “children” of homosexuals differently because they are from a different “heritage”.
While we should love just about anyone and everyone as Christ had, it should not dilute our stand on homosexuality. Love the sinner, hate the sin.
Thanks Mike for being caring enough about the children to post this.
saunieh on July 8, 2010 at 12:31 pm
After reading the comments yesterday I initially thought I’d just leave this alone, but then I found myself thinging about it and staring at the ceiling in the wee hours of the morning. First of all, “bittyboop”. I felt like I pretty well stated I was not arguing the whether or not the Bible regards homosexuality as sin. Therefore your question about about if Jesus ever advocates sin is inappropriate. What I will tell you is this. Judgement of sin is not up to me; Jesus has stated over and over that is His responsiblity. I’m not going to take a stab at something that’s not mine to do so. Secondly, from my own personal standpoint, given what the Bible does tell us about this, I literally thank God daily that I don’t have homosexual tendancies and it’s not because I consider myself better than those who do or more righteous than those who do. It’s because given what’s there and how it’s viewed by narrowminded Christians, I can’t imagine the heartache of having to face that in my life every day. Of all there is to deal with for someone who truly is a Christian, having to deal with those feelings too would be heart wrenching. My heart aches for anyone who has to face that on a daily basis and it gives me comfort to know I have a Savior that is one of love and grace, not one of hatred and punitive thought. Until you are willing to walk a mile in their shoes…
which brings me to the second point of a father who is a “sperm donor”. Yes, it would be hard. It’s one of those obstacles we have to face a part of life, and it’s another reason why I am grateful I have a Savior who is full of love, comfort, & grace- one who knows about my struggles and wants to help me. See, I might as well be one of those kids. My first Dad died when I was just a child (it might be appropriate to mention here that I’m now in my 40’s). I was different from the other kids in my school because for a while I didn’t have a Dad. I was the only student in my school during that time that did come from a single famiy home. My Mother met a man 6 mos later and 6 mos after that they were married. My second Dad took care of myself and my younger brother (who was just an infant when our first Dad died) as if we were his own biological children. After an appropriate amount of time and with the blessing of my first Dad’s family, my second Dad later legally adopted my brother and myself. Again, I was different from the rest of my school mates. I had a Dad that wasn’t mine by birth. Many people throughout my young years told me how tragic this was and how unfortunate I was. I never saw that. I saw that it was sad and as a small child I was heartbroken when my Dad died. That always will be a sad day for me. BUT,
saunieh on July 8, 2010 at 12:38 pm
sorry, my computer went nuts!
BUT, I am also very, very blessed. I had 3 grandmothers who loved and cared about me and had them into my 40’s. I had one grandfather that loved and cared about me also into my 40’s. I have a 3 sided family who loves me and cares about me. I have never thought of them as my biological and step fathers. They’ve always been my first and second Dads. Still, I was different than all of my classmates until high school when there were a few others who came from single family or blended homes. But, it’s one of those things in life. Do we look at these are reasons for pity and disdain? Or do we look at what is to be gained from them. For me, I choose to look at ther blessings, and realize that each day I have had on earth since my first Dad died, is one day he didn’t get and I need to make the best of it. I was not raised in a Christian home, but early on I felt the love and the power of God. Our duty is not to continue to point out how different these kids are. They are different. Our job is also not to point out that where they came from is a sinful act. Again, this is something they’ll figure out and we all came to this world because of sin. Our job is to point them to a loving and caring Savior who will offer his comfor and love, as He states in Matthew 11:28-30. That’s what makes things right in th world.
I stand with my original statement that this article is offensive. It’s time to stop demonizing those who don’t live according to Biblical principles and instead extend a hand of love and fellowship; doing so will invite them to make changes on their own. Once felt, who can deny the love of Christ?
mike wittmer on July 8, 2010 at 9:54 pm
saunieh:
I don’t think it will be productive to continue this conversation, but I just want to say that I strongly object to your accusation that I “demonized” anyone. I think that you completely misunderstood what I wrote. I am arguing for compassion and understanding for what sperm-donor children say they endure. I certainly would never stigmatize them nor even give it a second thought if I met one. But they claim that they are suffering, and I think that we all should attend their cries.
unionwife on July 8, 2010 at 11:36 pm
Dear saunieh, If you could step away from the soapbox for a moment . . .
I understand the underlying point of the article (did anyone else?) that what I want and how I go about getting that with or without God’s blessing will have an effect on the outcome. I am married and we have been trying for 3 years to have a child. All in God’s time. However, if all I wanted was to have a child and I didn’t care about or respect my husband at all, I could just go out and do what I needed to do with any guy out there. Fair? No. Hurtful? Absolutely.
The question and point of conversation (in my mind) was not “can same-sex couple raise happy kids?” What I got was “what kind of deep set hurts can come from a child who isn’t sure who his/her parents are?”
And it was directed more for me than for you.
At 29 years old I do not know who my biological father is. Because my mother committed suicide when I was 20 and my aunt stopped communicating with me around the same time, I will never get any kind of answer. But I have a gut feeling that my mother didn’t even know who the man was or if she did, she refused to tell me for selfish reasons.
I was raised primarily by my grandparents until I was 15. I still call them Mom and Dad and are the best example of a Godly couple. Were they perfect? No, they are human (and old school I might add. I got whuppins!) But I grew up with a strong male presence to use as an example of a good man and in almost every way my granddad is Dad.
This does not mean that I don’t wonder who my biological father is, if I have brothers or sisters or a whole family, what he does, is he married, is he happy, if he met me would I look like him, if I met him would he love me or walk away. You at least have a picture and knew you “where you came from” so to speak. At 15 years old, my mother told me I was the wanted mistake. She was on the pill when she got pregnant so I’m not supposed to be here. It would be no surprise to anyone that I would wonder about my biological father.
Am I different? Was I singled out? Not in the least – my grandmom was 42 when I was born. Has circumstances been different, I very well could have been her and my granddad’s child.
If you ever heard “where do babies come from?” from a child, I firmly believe they already kinda know the answer. They just need reassurance that their assumption is correct. In the case of artificial insemination, half of the puzzle is missing. This has nothing to do with the couple being same sex, traditional, or single parent. Something is not quite right and it can haunt you for most of your life.
In some respects, I guess I’m blessed. I look almost identical to my mother, so the deep yearning to know who my biological father is isn’t as strong as if I looked nothing like her. It would be so much harder if I looked more like someone I knew I would never meet.
I hope maybe one day I will cross paths with that man. I hope he will accept me, and at least treat me kindly if he doesn’t wish to bring me into his family. And I hope that if he does meet me one day, he tells me I’m beautiful.
There’s is no better feeling than a little girl hearing her daddy tell her she’s beautiful.
saunieh, I hope this gives you another angle. And if you want to tear my argument apart. please be kind. I’m trying not to cry ok? 🙂
unionwife on July 8, 2010 at 11:41 pm
And as a thought – medical history for me is impossible. I pray that my future children are healthy and I’m not a carrier of a rare disease that I have no idea I have. Half my family tree is missing.
Ok, now I’m crying. remember be nice ok?
mike wittmer on July 9, 2010 at 10:22 am
unionwife:
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Now I’m crying with you! I can only imagine the depth of your yearning, but please remember–and I’m sure you know this–that you do have a loving, strong, and dependable Father who thinks you’re beautiful. Consider how unlikely it is that you were even born. Your Father used a number of unusual circumstances to bring you into this world. He must have really wanted you here.
unionwife on July 9, 2010 at 11:37 pm
The Lord must have! Have no other way to explain it. Because of what my mother told me I know and treat everyday as a gift – there is always something to smile about. Knowing I have a loving, caring Father always gives me a smile every morning.
Does it make everything else that I talked about easier? Yes. The hurt doesn’t go away, but I have a Saviour that cries with me.
Just as in every aspect in my life – all in God’s time. I may not meet that man in this life, but all in God’s time.
chad on July 10, 2010 at 9:45 am
Love God. Love people. Simple as that. All people. Despite of who they are or what they do or where they came from.
Anyanka9 on September 23, 2010 at 12:26 am
Ok, I get that kids may be saddened by the fact
they don’t know who their biological father is, but is
that really a big enough reason to not have them at
all.That is the message I’m getting from you, that if
you don’t have a child with the biological father
then you should not have them at all. I mean if
asked, would these people say that they would
choose not to have been born over the pain or
emptiness they feel or felt while growing up.
My father left me and my mother when I was a
baby and although when I was a kid I used to cry
about it, I have long since gotten passed it. I have
someone I consider my dad and now I pretty much
never think of him anymore. Of course I am aware
that my situation isn’t the same for someone who
does not have another figure to take the position of
dad.
We can make changes, can’t their mother’s just
commit to finding a donor who is willing to allow
who they are to be revealed to the child. Whether
they want to be apart of their lives or not, then the
kids can know who they are and move on to
seeking God’s love and acceptance rather then
their sperm donor”s (which is the name my family
uses for every father, lol). Anyway that’s just my
opinion I guess I just don’t understand that
desperate need to get to know one’s father. What
these people need is Jesus who will give them the
love, acceptance, peace and joyfulness they need
in life.
Then they can be happy to have been born at all
and get to live in a world ruled by Jesus when he
comes back. So my point is rather then trying to
stop something that people who really want kids
are not going to stop doing, people should think of
ways for people to do it that can reduce emotional
pain for the children involved.
Vittorio on October 25, 2010 at 2:25 pm
I think Mike is just simply trying to point out that there are repercussions to the decisions we make.
Although our intentions might not seem selfish at the time, perhaps they are more about us than we think.
Why not adopt a child already in this world that has neither a earthly father or mother who wants them?
Unionwife, my thoughts and prayers are with you, and please know you have a brother in Christ in southern California.
Thanks. God bless.
AMGMJL on November 14, 2010 at 9:59 am
unionwife
You are awesome for sharing your story. You brought me to tears especially since I have a now 20 year old who knows nothing about his father since the guy took off and I have not been able to locate him. It has left a huge gap in my son’s life. I will pray for you today and again, thank you.