A while ago I had a conversation with an 8 year old child that simply broke and melted my heart. It was a conversation about her not feeling wanted and loved by her dad. She thought she was the seeming unimportant pawn in the chess match of her mother and father’s divorce and animosity toward each other. For whatever reason, her dad refuses to spend time with her (Can someone please help me with this? I simply don’t understand).
I tried to assure her that no dad would intentionally not spend time with his children, especially his daughter. She didn’t seem to buy what I was selling. Shoot! I didn’t even buy what I was selling, because I have witnessed plenty of deadbeat dads who simply refuse to spend time with their children, and then turn around and say that they love their kids. In my mind, the two cannot be reconciled, plain and simple. I can only surmise that either they don’t love their kids or they love themselves more than they love their kids. Both are an abdication of their responsibility as a father and devastating for the child.
Anyway, I asked her if she was angry with her dad. She assured me that she was not. “All I want is to see and spend time with my dad.” she whimpered. It took everything in me to keep it together. At that moment I realized something: little girls need and want their daddies. Even if the super hero cape has been marred by broken promises and unintentional or intentional negligence, little girls need and want their daddies. Little girls need and want their daddies to be fully present with them, to hold their hands as they cross the street, to tuck them in at night, to study spelling words with them, to wipe their tears away, to protect them from danger (especially knucklehead boys), to buy them ice cream and take them to the bookstore, to listen intently to their repeated ramblings about their day, to be honest and ask forgiveness, to assure them that God is big and strong, to remind them that God listens to their whimpers and can interpret their tears, to buy them what they need and surprise them with what they want, to model what a godly man is and should be, and to one day, with confidence, give their hand to a man who will take as much care to love them as we have. I wrote this last paragraph with tears streaming down my face. Why? Because I have a little girl, and when we walk down the street together, holding hands, or when she sits in my lap or asks me to give her a horseback ride to her bed, I know that my little girl needs and wants . . . her daddy.
tom felten on August 24, 2010 at 9:18 am
Praying for you, work-in-progress. May the amazing love of your heavenly Father fill your heart with joy today. Though earthly father’s will fail us, He NEVER will! (Psalm 34:18).
Ciera on August 24, 2010 at 11:58 am
This article made me feel like I was being run over by a semi. “Even if the super hero cape has been marred by broken promises and unintentional or intentional negligence, little girls need and want their daddies.” I understand so well the want for your daddy but what really struck me was the thought that a dad could be something you need. I think because of all the rough spots in my relationship with my dad, I believe that he isn’t dependable enough to need. For me it has become a sin in my head to want my daddy because it would be imposing unrealistic expectations on someone else.
jeff olson on August 24, 2010 at 12:36 pm
Cierra,
I just read your response…there’s obviously a lot disappointment there. Our hearts go out to you.
Just thinking out loud, I’m not so sure it’s a sin for you to want your daddy’s involvement. I would agree that it’s unwise to expect more from your dad unless you started to see consistent signs of dependability. Be realistic about the situation. At the same, remain cautiously open.in your heart. Though your earthly dad may likely never be the father you need, your Heavenly Father can be and much more. Praying that you find more of Him in your “rough spots.”.
marvin williams on August 24, 2010 at 3:38 pm
Cierra, I don’t think I could have said it better than Jeff. I agree that it is not wrong or sinful to need or want your dad. I think your need and desire for him is very normal. It is unfortunate when those needs and desires are disappointed by our earthly fathers. I experience times over with my own dad (boys need their dads, too). Yet, God showed me how for forgive him, create healhty emotional boundaries, and take steps to reconcile with him. My responsibility was to honor him, even when I didn’t think he deserved it. Obedience to God’s word is often inconvenient, does not sense, and painful. However, our love for God is expressed through our obedience to his commands, especially the law of love. Cierra, thanks for sharing your heart with us.
Lucy22 on August 27, 2010 at 11:12 pm
You asked, “Can someone please help me with this?” Well, Marvin, I’ll give it a try. The father most likely has a new lady in his life and new family responsibilities.
I’ve been exactly where this 8-year-old is. My father walked out of my life when I was 8, and he never looked back. No phone calls, gifts, hand holding, or walks in the park. I ceased to exist as far as he was concerned. On my wedding day, I walked myself down the aisle. In fact, my father did not even attend my wedding.
Unfortunately, circumstances will most likely require this child to do what many of us have already done. Accept the fact that your dad doesn’t love you and learn to live without him.
summer on September 8, 2010 at 7:31 am
I really felt a need to write in. Several years ago, I accepted Christ as my savior. Later, I had the privilege of leading my young daughter to the Lord. Sadly, my husband rejected not only salvation, but also us. He cheated on me, and he ended up leaving me for the other woman. They partied a lot and became alcoholics. We were feeling so hurt & rejected. One of the hardest things was the disappointment when he would not show up for a visit after he promised our daughter that he would spend time with her. He didn’t give me any money because he was spending it on the other woman & her kids. They were very demanding & put a lot of pressure on him. My daughter & I learned not to ever ask him for anything because he would get angry. He could never please the other woman, so she cheated on him & they broke up. He battled with his addictions, but finally quit drinking. He and I are now friends, and he explained that the reason he had avoided us was not because of anything we had done, it was due to his own guilt! The guilt ate at him constantly, and he couldn’t look us in the eye. He hated himself for what he had done, & convinced himself that we were better off without him. So, I believe that “GUILT” is the reason a ton of men avoid their children. God forgives us & wants us to forgive others, but he also wants us to be able to accept his forgiveness & to forgive ourselves.
tom felten on September 8, 2010 at 1:16 pm
summer, thanks so much for being vulnerable and sharing your story. I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve experienced, but the beauty of your faith in Jesus shines through your every word. It sounds like the guilt your daughter’s father has endured could be the kind that the apostle Paul wrote about that leads to salvation: “For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation” (2 Corinthians 7:10). I hope this becomes a reality in his life. And may God give you all you need to be a godly, Christ-like Mom for your precious daughter.
AManofGod on November 1, 2010 at 1:12 pm
It is so sad for some men to not realize how much their daughters need them and want their love. And what’s more sad is many men don’t know how special that relationship is! I love my daughters dearly and even though I am not married to their mum any longer I know that the love we share is unbreakable. I encourage all men to be an active part of their children’s lives but especially their daughters. They need to know they have a loving father just as we Christians need to know our Loving Father!
dukedad on November 29, 2010 at 1:51 pm
I just want to say I totally understand the need for girls to have their daddies, sometimes, however, it isn’t as easy as it sounds. I just want people to know that for some dads, separation is as hard on them as the family they’re away from.
I’ve been separated from my two daughters (13 and 12) and son (9 years) for six years now and no matter how much I try to be involved, our relationship isn’t how I’d wish it to be. I show up for events, games, school functions, and church to see them and hopefully get a glance or at best a word with them, but that doesn’t always happen. I leave messages or invitations that go unreturned and my access rights are ignored. I have already wasted enough money and emotional energy fighting this that I’d given up legally and can only wait on God’s word.
Everyday I pray that God would bring them back in some shape or fashion but the lack of progress has tested my faith. Deep down I know they love me and I know I must wait on God’s reply…but its agonizing. I want my daughter’s to know that their DAD is always going to love them.
Its unfortunate that separations happen. What’s more unfortunate is that some dads aren’t able to impact their daughters as much as they need.
So please don’t think that all dads who don’t see their daughters are deadbeats. Some simply don’t have the strength to fight it alone and need God’s strength to endure.
tom felten on November 29, 2010 at 2:45 pm
dukedad, thank you for writing. I’m sure there are many in the ODJ community who can identify with you. May God sustain you as you strive to love your children well, encourage them in their faith in Jesus, and seek opportunities to spend time with them.
nash729 on November 29, 2010 at 7:18 pm
Mr. Dukedad i know EXACTLY how you feel. Eventually my ex wifes side of the family totally ignored my legal rights. every time I would file a compliant it would take 12 to 17 months for it to come to trial. Just for the judge to give them a little talking to but do nothing to them legally, so they kept doing it, every Fathers Day. I live in Ga and atty’s here charge 250.00 an hour. the first couple of years I spent 60K on attys, missed work, court ordered classes etc. It all meant nothing!I havent spoken to my daughter in almost six years. When they quit letting me see my child i quit paying child support. I got a court date thinking that i would finally get some justice. when i went to court that day they put me in jail and i remained there for 11 months and 17 days. Since all this my childs mother signed my daughter over(for lack of a better term) to her folks so she could go party on crack. She went to jail and hasnt been out long,from what i hear i am the bad guy and now from what the inlaws say that now my daughter hates me. If ir wasnt for God and His Grace I am sure I would have done something crazy. Most every AM i have to turn it all over to him just to be able to function in everyday life.So hang my brother! we serve a big God!!!!
dukedad on November 30, 2010 at 6:42 pm
Nash729 – I want to encourage you as you have done here for me. Sometimes all we have is God’s word to rely on and I am confident He will redeem us.
I am often told that my daughter’s will eventually realize my worth to them. I will say the same to you.
Please continue in your faith and in your walk because in the end, its just between you and Jesus.
God bless and thank you.
michaelericmarkland on December 4, 2010 at 1:20 pm
To all the uplifting commentaries that precede mine; I commend you all on your courage to share and the author, on your vision to raise this issue.
In my book dedicated to my young teenage daughter, there is a chapter entitled “what does my father have to do with this?”. I have received the most emails and commentary on this one particular subject than any other in the book.
The comfort of a loving father is the most secure love a woman will know outside of the love of God. When a girl misses out on the safety net of a father’s-unconditional-love she misses witnessing the best of a man. As loving fathers we alone can impart that unique feeling of security and confidence from a MALE perspective, that a little girl needs to enter into the male dominated world that awaits her as a woman. When we deny our little princesses this experience we fail them and God in the execution of our–Divinely–human duties.
God Bless All
Michael Eric Markland