My wife and I celebrated our 15th year anniversary in Aruba. One night after dinner, we engaged in a deep conversation about our relationship. The magic of Aruba will make you do that. We talked about the last fifteen years – when we first got married, the ups and downs, the good and the not so good, the high points and the low points, the hilarious and the serious times, of our marriage. As we sat on the beach, listening to waves crashing onto shore and looking up at the moonlit night, we talked about how God had given a measure of success in our marriage (a far cry from being perfect). We have had a level of success because of:
How much work we’ve had to put into it
How many adjustments and compromises we’ve had to make,
How we’ve had to ask forgiveness and be forgiven,
How many times we’ve had to let go of our own agenda and make the other the priority, even when we did not want to, and
How we’ve had to wrap the towel around our waist and wash each other’s feet.
It was really a great conversation (We’ve only just begun). From our conversation, I concluded this: We don’t find our soul mates (I’m not knocking those who say they have found theirs). I know “finding our soul mate” implies such compelling compatibility that it feels like this person is the other half of your soul and God created this person just for you, to complete you. For some, it also implies that the relationship will be as close to perfect as possible. I think finding our soul mate is fantasy, one from which life and reality will wake you. I think we choose if we are going to love as Jesus loved and who we’re going to love that way. I think we choose to do the everyday work of love and become what we need to become to build up and complete our spouse and significant other. It doesn’t happen automatically because we say we’ve found our soul mate. This kind of love happens through intentional:
Hard work
Effort
Commitment
Adjustments
Compromise
Sacrifice
Transparency
Honesty
Humility
Toppling personal walls we’ve erected,
Asking forgiveness and learning to forgive and not holding grudges
Learning to love what he/she loves
Making him/her the priority
After fifteen years, we are convinced that love is not an emotional noun – something you feel; love is an active verb – something you do. I believe when you do the work of love, the feelings of love will follow. You don’t find a soul mate; you become one.
Do you agree or disagree that you don’t find a soul mate but you become a soul mate through choosing to love a person the way Jesus loved? Why?
loananna on August 6, 2009 at 9:07 am
As i too prepare to celebrate my anniversary, 11yrs, I just can’t stop thanking the Lord for my husband. This is the 2nd marriage for both of us, but it is soooo easy I just can’t not ask the question of a soul mate. We have kept the Lord as the centr of our marriage and looking back i can see how much we have both grown & changed. Yes marriage is a choice we make, but if you keep your eyes on the Lord the way you treat your husband is one that completes both of you. You treat him with respect & love he will treat you as Christ did to us, with Love & respect & protection. In that I think it is meant to be your ” Soul Mate”
Kidd on August 7, 2009 at 5:04 pm
I never really thought of it that way always believed that my husband and I were soul mates, put on this earth to find one another. All relationships are hard work but if you believe that you and your spouse were created for eachother doesn’t that make you work harder at it?
makks on August 8, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Fascinating piece,i couldn’t agree more…..
tony_maina on August 10, 2009 at 5:58 am
As a single Christian guy looking for a “soul mate” I must admit I was challenged by your perspective. And it’s true we often get caught up in finding “miss right / mr right” that we forget to look within and ask ourselves: I’m I read to love as Jesus loves? Thanks a lot.
Angie on August 10, 2009 at 2:59 pm
I have been divorced for almost 2 years but, I am now seeing someone else and I could not agree more with Marvin. Thanks for the great advice, I will definitley apply it to my new relationship and I truly believe it will make a difference.
grantacre on August 12, 2009 at 10:44 am
I agree…after nearly 20 years of marriage things have never been better. But there have been a lot of challenges, but God has helped us work through them all and I am more in love and more committed than ever before.
kingdomliving on August 14, 2009 at 3:31 pm
I have to say that I somewhat agree and somewhat disagree with what you said. I being a single man for 3 year after my wife death have found that many people whether Christian or secular do not realize that God is the key to any relationship. If your relationship doesn’t have GOD as that third piece we need as stated in ECC 4-12 it will quickly be broken.
A successful marriage is made up of two people who are truly single, ( unique and whole ) with God as the foundation of their life because if they know how important God is to things God will be the foundation of their marriage
carterdap on August 18, 2009 at 8:54 am
Thank you for the reminder Marvin. I am in agreement that I become a soulmate. I am in the 8th year of my second marriage. As I have matured and lined my life up with the word of God I am learning to love. Love is an action word. It requires commitment, respect, forgiveness, long suffering, gentleness, kindness, patience, etc. My marriage has been very challenging. As a direct result of the word of God I have been sustained. I am standing on the promises of God. The enemy wins when we bailout. We must be selfless and then we become soulmates; thereby, experiencing our own soulmate. This is my belief.
Dancer4God on August 21, 2009 at 7:35 am
Thank you Marvin. I am a little torn. I agree with what you are stating but I also believe in “soul mate.” I am single and may remain single because of my “soul mate.” We met close to 20 years ago and there is a connection (& not physical) that keeps us drawn to each other no matter how much time passes from us lossing communication. We are currently just friends. I was 9 years since the last time we were together and the feelings are just as deep. Our lives have changed in many ways including him dedicating his life to Christ. I believe he and I were meant to be apart of each others lives. We have gone through some of what you mentioned, without being married. We now laugh and joke about some of those crazy times. We are both older and mature but are getting to know each other again so maybe we will make it to Aruba (or some other romantic place) and be able to share as you and your wife did.
Thanks again.
PS- I plan to show your blog to him :-).
RGunter on September 18, 2009 at 10:42 am
This talk of a “soul mate” can be a dangerous subject. If some one believes there is a soul mate out there for them, they may spend the rest of their life seeking and never finding, or getting married and always wondering if this is the right mate.
Reading some of the posts it came to me…isn’t Jesus our true soul mate? The lover of our soul?
We, the church are the bride and Jesus the bridegroom so it makes sense that He is our soul mate…
Rosi59 on November 24, 2009 at 10:39 am
I agree. I have found my soul mate, and it is not someone with whom I have everything in common, or that we complete each other. We are two very different, diverse individuals who have put our love of Christ and his direction for our lives first. We know, the way we know Christ, that we are better together than apart, we are willing to work at being together and ready for the moment when Christ calls us to do the work he has designed for us together. This was a choice, not a reaction to an emotion–although love is present and growing exponentially, we have decided to love.
btplove on September 29, 2009 at 10:32 am
Hello Marvin, I am very new to this site but I wanted to comment on what you have said about finding a soul mate being overrated. I am 51 years old and have never been married. I came close about 3 times. The last person who I thought I was going wed turned out not to be the one either for reasons I can not go into because of time and space. It’s funny because Aruba is where I want to go on my honeymoon. Any hows, I am still waiting on the Lord to send me who he has for me. The Bible says he who finds a wife finds a good thing and finds favor with the Lord. I must admit, although it is my hearts desire, I can wait because that is something that you just do not rush into. I would like to add to the requirments you have listed. Both should be submitted to the Lord, God should always be first place in our lives,(wether married or single). I heard John Hagee say once, the easiest part of being married is the ceramony. I believe our true soul mate is the Lord, after all he is the husband man and we, (male and female) are the bride. My younger sister, can you believe it, told me once that if it is not 100% on both parties, it will not work. All I have been seeing is 70 30 and 60 40. But that has not detered me. I will continue to wait on the person God has for me, and continue to be that virtuous woman, even after the wedding.
Cathy on October 5, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Working on becoming a soul mate to the one I am betrothed to and him only.