I don’t know what else I can do!” my exasperated friend sulked. “I set high standards for my kids and hold them accountable for their actions, and all they do is hate me. What did I do to deserve this?” He noted how he has always been “hard” (his word) on his son so that he would do great things. Hmm. Is this about the ingratitude of the kids? Or the rules-based, inflexible view of love held by the father?
In the beginning, there was a perfect Father who didn’t have many rules. Just one, actually. He gave His children a stunningly gorgeous garden in which to live and work. He enjoyed their company. They had everything they could ever need, including a perfect mate. (Only Adam and Eve could say that.) He gave them one solitary prohibition. “You may freely eat the fruit of every tree in the garden,” He told Adam, “except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. If you eat its fruit, you are sure to die” (Genesis 2:16-17). You know the rest of the story. Adam and Eve, it seems, were just like us . . .
God, being the perfect Father, didn’t let His kids off the hook. There were consequences for their bad behavior. But He didn’t leave them there either. Even on that sad day, He set in motion a plan to buy us back from sin’s curse with the sacrifice of His perfect Son Jesus.
In this world, imperfect parents struggle to raise imperfect children who grow up to accept or ignore their advice and correction. We do well to remember a lesson God taught us long ago: Perfect love doesn’t require love in return (1 Corinthians 13:5).
A love that we demand from others is no love at all—it’s simply extortion.
NLT 365-day reading plan passage for today: Numbers 14:5-45
More:
What expectations are embodied by the love described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7?
Next:
What kind of love do you extend to others? How do the people in your life love you in ways that remind you of God’s love? Why is it important that God’s love for you isn’t based on what you do?
zaneyzelda on February 20, 2012 at 1:15 am
Are you saying tough love is wrong ? and what about Love and Logic, From what I have read here, you are criticizing parents who have consequences for their children. Some kids don’t like that, but that is how the world runs, You run a red light and you may get killed.
legacy07 on February 20, 2012 at 3:52 pm
I can’t speak for Tim, but I don’t think he’s saying tough love is wrong. He states: “God, being the perfect Father, didn’t let His kids off the hook. There were consequences for their bad behavior. But He
didn’t leave them there either.”
I think what Tim is trying to say, and Tim, correct me if I’m wrong, is that there needs to be a balance of tough love and grace. That parents should mirror how our God treats us, by disciplining us in love and then forgiving us. And even though children are disrespectful and may even “hate” their parents, parents should still show them their love. Because God does not stop loving us even when we are disrespectful, ungrateful and disobedient towards Him.
Just my two cents. Have a great day! 🙂
tom felten on February 20, 2012 at 4:03 pm
zaneyzelda, Tim was striving to communicate that parenting requires both relationship and rules. In other words, standards and discipline without love is not what God models to us. Let’s follow His example!
marilynmk on February 20, 2012 at 2:31 am
This is exactly what my problem last week. I gave restriction to my daughter not to hang out w/ friends on weekdays and on weekends only 12 pm Sat and 10pm on Sunday. Of course she is not happy at all to these curfews and the high standards (like reading the bible, hang out with godly friends,study hard and etc) that I set on them because they were too strict. And she said implicitly that I’m not a good mom and talking to me somewhat disrespectful. I was really frustrated and hurt that I left early Monday telling the Lord that I will not care for them and I will give up my restrictions on them because I find it ungrateful on their part. But the Lord spoke to me in I Samuel 3:13 stating that He will judge Eli’s family forever because of the sin he knew and he failed to restrain them.Meaning that I should indeed discipline my kids if they are going out of God’s way. God had validated my perspective in leading my children.
tom felten on February 20, 2012 at 4:13 pm
marilynmk, thanks so much for sharing your story. As parents, difficulties can arise when we don’t allow our relationships to adapt as our children mature and grow older. Loving expectations (and even curfews!) are part of appropriately leading our children. One thing I’ve tried to do is to give reasons for why I’m setting specific boundaries. My goal is for my children to ultimately make good decisions on their own—following God and His Word.
loananna on February 20, 2012 at 9:54 am
Great devotion! You see as parents when we give our kids restrictions or leading, I pray they see us doing what we want them to do. Be your kids greatest cheerleading of sorts. I was on my knees alot with my last daughter, when i signed her up for our youth retreat from our church. She was so mad at me, saying i was forcing her to do something she didn’t want to..etc… well she came back making good friends in the church and it did change her direction. I read the Bible daily, it’s no secret, so remember that at times not winning the popularity contest isn’t so bad, just let them know you really love the Lord. I will keep praying for you.
lindafrances on February 20, 2012 at 10:04 am
My husband and I have 3 sons who are married with children. My husband was sometimes “too hard” on my boys and I was sometimes “too soft”. God knew what he was doing when he made husband and wife and dad and mom. Sometimes we can’t have that “perfect” family, but God promised to give us what we need so we can do what he called us to do.
My middle son got into some trouble, nothing illegal, but hard for parents to see. My other two had their bumps in life, but are doing well. My middle son has the best relationship with God of the three. He leads a men’s bible study in his home, as well as a cellgroup. He is a wonderful Christian husband and father of three. I don’t think he would be so close to Christ had he been the perfect son. Don’t get me wrong, I wish he had not rebelled, but God used that rebellion to open his eyes to his need for him.
Being a good, consistent parent is the hardest job in the world, and my husband and I failed many times. I tried the best I could, and then told God, they are yours, I can’t force them to be who I want them to be, You work on them.
Remember, who your child is today, is not who they will be after God is done with them. Keep praying.
winn collier on February 20, 2012 at 4:13 pm
My wife shared this quote today: “sometimes being the perfect parent isn’t worth the blood on the floor.” I like it. Perfection simply can’t be the goal, for ourselves or our children.
mike on February 20, 2012 at 9:32 pm
It is important that as parents we are willing to “stand” and not compromise our role as parents. Also as part of this process the reality is both ourselves and our children will at times fall short.
These are the times that I have found to be the most educational and would provide me the opportunity to demonstrate the love, grace and forgiveness to my children.
pjp on February 21, 2012 at 5:24 am
Tnx Tim, lovely article. there’s a lot of wisdom on this.
eppistle on February 21, 2012 at 7:21 am
God commands us to love Him (Matthew 22:37). Is there a difference between God commanding us to love Him and God demanding us to love Him? If so, what is the difference? Should we command our children to love us?
eppistle on February 21, 2012 at 7:38 am
Maybe part of the problem is that the NLT doesn’t translate the phrase in I Corinthians 13:5 very literally. The original Greek is “seeks not itself.” In other words, the Apostle Paul is addressing the issue of self-centeredness rather than whether we should demand or command love from others. But to be honest, I do feel uncomfortable about demanding or commanding my children to love me. But I do not have any problem with commanding them to obey and respect me.
Lamont on February 21, 2012 at 11:44 am
You are all blessed if you and your spouse are on the same page. My ex-wife and I were/am not. She attends a secular humanist “church” that emphasizes little Scripture and almost no focus on Christ as the Son of God. For many of them, Jesus was a nice person.
The minister does not preach in a way that convicts people. It is enough to be good people, not spiritually growing, just good. No one wants to hear about the Holy Spirit. People grumble if services go beyond 45 minutes. I protested when my daughter told me that Sunday School teacher was having them read, “Chicken Soup for the Soul” ” instead of the Bible.
I attend a Christ-focused church and take my daughter with me when I have her every other weekend.(Services are longer and the minister preaches from the Bible.)
When my daughter was small I used to read and explain Bible stories and Scripture to her at night. I’d pray with her before bed. We’d have conversations about Christ. I’d tell her that we accomplish nothing without God. She memorized a few verses of Scripture.
Her mom didn’t participate in this. She grew up as secular humanist. I’ve never seen her pick up a Bible. She doesn’t own one. We were very unevenly yoked.
My child is 15 now, rebellious, which I accept as part of her age. She is a wonderful girl but I’m afraid she is drifting.
Her mom’s church has more appeal now because there are no expectations. The focus is to be a nice person.Services are short. One doesn’t have to worry about proper dress. You can wear anything. Prayers are short and they don’t preach about sin. They have bake sales and picnics and harvest festivals and so on. I used to attend this church until I got fed up.
My daughter still attends my church with me but would rather not. She tells me that she’s not so sure anymore about waht she believes and is not so sure about Jesus anymore. I pray to God that he pursues her heart. I also pray that she has enough of a foundation in Christ to come back after she has strayed.
I my self strayed during college and several years after but I came back. My mom says she never thought it would happen but she kept praying.
It’s important to me that my daughtre accepts Christ as her Savior Not for my sake, but for hers.I pray about this a lot.
I don’t blame her mom becasue she doesn’t know any better. She thinks that I am too serious.
I wonder if I did enough with my daughter when she was younger and more impressionable. It’s a sad thing when I think about it. I pray that God won’t let her go.
tim gustafson on February 22, 2012 at 8:02 am
I’m so sorry I missed all this dialogue. It’s been a rough week.
As a father of “a few” children (1 daughter, 7 sons), I have practiced tough love, and I have extended grace. I have needed much grace myself. But over the years, I’ve observed Christians who seem to think that the success of the children is directly tied to how they are as parents. And that simply isn’t true.
God is the perfect Father, and His kids rebelled. So that in itself disproves the notion that we can expect perfect results if we are perfect parents.
In the particular case I cite here, this man thought that God owed him a good son because he set such high standards for the son. In reality (as I have observed it), he set impossible standards for his son, and now has no relationship with him because of the son’s intense anger toward him. It’s tragic to see.
When Jesus restored Peter by the sea of Galilee, He didn’t even bring up Peter’s denial of Him. He simply asked him gently if Peter loved Him — and then He gave Peter a job to do. Wow!