A person recently lamented to me, “I don’t get it. Why do all my relationships keep breaking down? I want to get along better with my family and have closer friendships, but I find myself in nearly impossible circumstances over and over again.”
This person sounded so helpless. The pull to console him was strong, but it’s not what he needed at that moment. You see, this person didn’t realize—until I suggested it—that he was playing the martyr. He was oblivious to having slipped into a “Woe is me” mindset. For his own good, he needed a dose of truth spoken in love (Ephesians 4:15).
We’ve all been there. We see ourselves as the only one who is hurt and struggling in a relationship (or at least our pain is what matters the most). Yet the truth is that we’re adding to the problem more than we know. It’s a mindset that only breeds more feelings of helplessness—and it needs to be challenged and called out.
If we find ourselves camped in “Martyrville,” we’re not really as stuck as we think. There’s another mindset to adopt that can start to counter our helpless feelings. Jesus taught us to be concerned first and foremost with our “I” problem before we address our friend’s problem. He said, “First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye” (Matthew 7:3-5).
It’s a matter of perspective that might not immediately change our circumstances, but it can get us unstuck from a helpless way of thinking. It can provide the groundwork for us to move forward in our relationships with others.
Feeling helpless? Don’t play the martyr. Prayerfully consider your own words and actions as you seek healthy relationships.
NLT 365-day reading plan passage for today: Acts 27:1-26
More:
Consider what is required of those who say they love God (1 John 4:19- 21).
Next:
How have you been playing the martyr in a relationship? Why is it vital to realize that your pain is not the most important pain in the universe?
Alvin on November 16, 2011 at 10:23 am
Thanks Jeff for the post.
I so can relate to this when you said that I ought not to play the martyr. Jesus is there and will always be there!! I need not be helpless!
godbless.
loananna on November 16, 2011 at 10:25 am
How is it a martyr when in families, one tries to keep the lines of communication open, but everyone else ignores them. In my own family, I am hurt, for many years my older brothers and their families have excluded me and my family(im much younger) and i had thought with the death of a sister in law last year that maybe things were changing we were included in some things. Recently they all got together about 45 min. away from me and neither my daughters or myself were called. They know I am a christian and have changed how i was when i was a teenager, but this continued refusal of including my girls and me hurts.
I pray daily for their salvation and that at least they would open and accept my and my daugthers. It all changed after the death of my father, something happens when parents die, it seems families split up..Thats why i myself am making my family with my girls and my husband and their husbands strong..Do i have a pole in my eye?
Jeff Olson on November 16, 2011 at 11:26 am
loanna, it hurts to be excluded and left out by your family…That pain is real and the fact that you feel it doesn’t necessarily mean you are being a martyr.
pri1465 on November 16, 2011 at 2:05 pm
Thanks for the message Jeff.
I am going to apply it to my life and whenever someone bothers me, I going to try to see it from their point of view and try to walk a mile in their shoes.
winn collier on November 16, 2011 at 4:47 pm
I appreciate this call to be active rather than passive.
alli on November 17, 2011 at 1:32 pm
at first i didnt understand how the marytr had to do with being a judgmental person and again God’s ways and understanding is higher than my own, i suppose it is that you are not the center of your universe and there are probably others stuggling just as much as you to do the right thing and maybe they want to invite you but are feeling ashamed by their sins or perhaps you might consider how you make them feel. The point is to remember its never about you and even when ppl dont get you God always does, but basically it has to start with GOD first then others. then self LAST. Regardless of how you feel. there are some people who have no problem reaching out to others but sometimes people fear being vulnerable it makes them feel out of control and perhaps you are not safe for them to feel vulnerable with. Not you i mean in general everyone.